Defensive/ Supportive

Another part of this chapter that I found interesting was the part that discussed defensive and supportive climates in communication. I found myself in strong agreement with what it had to say about evaluative communication and how it leads to defensiveness. I’ve never like it when I’m talking to someone and they give me a look or a comment that says I had clearly done something wrong in their eyes. I’m not all that self-conscious but I certainly don’t like being judged. I doubt anyone really does. Judging someone, even the ones you are close to, can easily lead to implications of superiority or condescension. I am the sort of person who becomes defensive when I think that others are judging or evaluating my decision in a way that suggest they wouldn’t have done it like I had, that they would’ve done it right. It’s easy to look at a situation from the outside and think you have all the answer. It’s a different matter entirely to actually experience it.

Question 2 (Disconfirmed/Defensive)

In the past, many of the times that I felt disconfirmed have occurred when I was talking to or discussing something with my mother. Although I do have a good relationship with her and enjoy our occasional conversations, there have been times when I felt that she wasn’t really listening to me or didn’t think what I was saying was actually important. The defensiveness producing communication behaviors that I noticed from her were neutrality and superiority. There would be some conversations where she wouldn’t really pay much attention to what I was saying and only stay in the conversation by giving me vague or general responses. There have also been other times when she would listen to me but she would respond in a fashion that made me feel as if my point wasn’t quite as strong as it should be. Of course, I don’t think she intended to come off this way but it has happened on more than one occasion.

Question 1 (Confirm)

I have found it to be very difficult to confirm others when I disagree with them. When I’m discussing a matter with someone, I’ll make my point and watch as they nod their head and tell me how they see the value in my statement. However, when they try to state a point of view which is contrary to mine, I brush right pass it and try to restate my own.  Although I have always thought it to be a natural part of debating with my friends and family, I’m now starting to see the harm it can cause. It’s not enough for me to just recognize that the person I’m talking to exists. This chapter helped me see how I need to start acknowledging their thoughts and feeling more than I have in the past. I shouldn’t expect them to value what I have to say if I’m not willing to extend the same courtesy to them.

Mindfulness

It is described in this chapter as being the first step in listening. Mindfulness, in regards to listening, is being present in the moment and not letting your mind wander. It involves taking on the perspective of the person who is trying to communicate with you without imposing your own ideas, feelings or judgement. Mindfulness is a crucial part of good listening. It is also completely within everyones reach. All one has to do is choose to be mindful of what another is trying to say. Unfortunately, many people still choose to ignore the speakers veiwpoint and replace them with their own. I would like to believe that I'm a mindful listener but I know that there are times when I let my own beliefs keep me from even trying to understand someone else's veiwpoint. In the future, I would like to try being more mindful of what people are trying to say to me.

Question 2 (Listening Skill)

The website, listen.org, explained ten key concepts for better listening. It said that in order to better your listening skills you need to find an area of interest, judge content no delivery, hold your fire, listen for ideas, be flexible, work at listening, resist distractions, exercise your mind, keep your mind open and capitalize on thought and speed. What I took away from this site is that listening is about more than just hearing what is said. It’s about understanding what you are hearing and actively immersing your mind into the topic. I think it’s a little surprising how easily people disregard the listening part of communication. I have on a few occasions found myself so eager to make my point to someone that I completely ignore the point that they’re trying to make. I definitely need to work at my listening skills and I’m eager to try out what I’ve learned from the site.

Question 1 (Nonlistening)

 I think the most common form of nolistening in my communication is psuedolistening. Psuedolistening is when someone pretends to listen and appears attentive but their mind is somewhere else. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a day dreamer and as such my mind often wanders to other places while people are talking to me. Usually in the middle of class or a conversation that holds no real significance to me, I’ll put on a sort of mask with my expressions and make people think that I’m listening. It’s gotten me into a bit of trouble more times than I care to admit, especially in relationships. I plan to fix it by making a conscious decision to stay focused and engaged in what others are trying to say to me. It isn’t right for me to expect others to listen to everything I have to say but not do as much for them.